


From the Creators of Cards Against Humanity

by boarsnsmores



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, all kinds of dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 21:43:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5801338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boarsnsmores/pseuds/boarsnsmores
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Swan Queen Week Day 6 - Envy</p><p>It'll be fun, Ruby says. We'll keep an eye on them so they don't set fire to the last sheriff's car, she says. There'll be booze, she says.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From the Creators of Cards Against Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> I am so very sorry for this. Unbeta'ed as all hell and kind of more rambly than usual. Last entry 'on time' for SQW. I'll do Wrath and Pride some other time.
> 
> Emma and Regina play Clusterfuck with other people and are totally not into each other at all.
> 
> For reference, [here's the game](https://web.archive.org/web/20150206030156/http://clusterfuckgame.com/ClusterfuckPrintAndPlay.pdf). I don't even remember how I found this or why I thought it was a good idea. It was too late for regrets though.
> 
> The tl;dr for the game is: attempt to plan consensual hookups and/or threesomes with cards and gestures in phase 1, indicate choice via pointing in phase 2, +1 for a hook up, win the game if successful threesome or 3 points. Wrenches include the Chlamydia card (points for you, no points for your partner(s)), busting threesomes (+2 points for you, no points for the threesome attempt), and being a voyeur (+1 for successfully watching a hookup happen).
> 
> EDIT: we did the thing. Solo Mulan victory achieved.

As it turns out, the Queens of Darkness are basically teenagers with the legal right to drink. Emma figured this out the night they torched the sheriff’s car (the paperwork for which she actually filled out and then (passive?) aggressively left on Regina’s desk because _really, Regina?_ ). Tonight confirms it though and Emma wonders how Rumpelstiltskin thought these women could help him in whatever sketchy scheme he’s got going this time (she should worry more about this, but maybe not today, because _damn, Regina wear a goddamn potato sack or something)_.

When she gets there with Mulan at the end of their shifts, Ruby’s shut Granny’s down for the night, pushed some tables together for them, and set out a few bottles of hard liquor and a pack of beer. As she grabs a beer, she counts the liquor bottles and gets to four. She suspects there were five but that Cruella’s stolen one instead of using a glass because Cruella is perpetually pre-gaming something. She and Ursula are sitting together and she can see that fifth bottle of alcohol between them and Emma’s not thinking about the tentacles, nope. Nope nope nope.

It’s Ruby’s idea, probably conceived while drunk because it sounds equal parts terrible and genius. She calls it a ‘welcoming party’ and a ‘girl’s night’ because “we need some normalcy in this town!” As if sitting down six fairy tale characters and Emma could ever be construed as normal (Emma justifies tonight as a good way to keep an eye on these delinquents who would probably torch the other sheriff’s car otherwise - she’s being responsible! She even brought Mulan as backup).

This can, in no way, be normal, she thinks to herself as she sits down. How did Ruby get the others to agree to this anyway?

* * *

Ruby, as it turns out, convinced exactly one person - Regina (who had looked at her like she’d gone insane but who had then also begrudgingly admitted that yes, they probably shouldn’t get blindingly drunk and toast sheriff’s cars anymore and was anyone going to let her forget it? Of course not - Emma even filled out paperwork for once, just to spite her, she’s sure) who then convinced the others. Cruella was easily bribed by alcohol, Ursula by Cruella, and Maleficent by Regina.

She sighs and pours herself a glass of scotch. She and the other Queens have a certain camaraderie, in which they tend to ignore each other until they want something and this makes for not-awkward silences (not comfortable either because they’re all still selfish and deadly people). Ruby does not share in this, and keeps stealing looks at them, wary as though they’ll suddenly decide they want a wolf pelt adorning that cabin in the woods.

She sits down next to her, “You’ll need to stop being so suspicious, dear, if you want this to end without rampant destruction. I am, however, obligated to remind you that I did say this would be a terrible idea.”

Ruby smiles then, a wolfish grin (Regina groans at herself internally), “Nah, trust me,” she says as Emma walks in, “This was a great idea.”

There’s something about the way she says it that makes Regina suspect she’s been played.

Ruby confirms her suspicions when she calls their little gathering to order, taking out a small purple case. “It’ll be fun, don’t worry!” she says (and Regina worries), “We gotta roll for the Chlamydia card first.”

Oh gods.

* * *

**round one (operation stop the threesome)**

Emma wins (‘wins’) the roll for the Chlamydia card - tying with Mulan at 11 (why does Ruby even keep dice here?) the first round and then rolling a 9 to Mulan’s 5. Ruby deals the cards and Emma takes a look at her hand:

  * `Who do you want in our sandwich`
  * `That jerk isn’t into threesomes...Let’s just fuck each other`
  * `I want to be the meat in your sandwich`
  * `You have chlamydia`



This, this was a terrible idea. She’s going to kill Ruby. She’s going to murder Ruby and no one will ever catch her because she’s the goddamn sheriff. Why is she even playing? There’s no way she can hand any of these cards to anyone with a straight face (maybe Mulan, but Mulan’s flushing red and Emma’s not a monster). She should just hand off the chlamydia card to stall for the next turn.

She gives Ruby chlamydia and when Ruby glares at her, she glares right back. This is all her fault anyway.

Ruby hands a card to Mulan and when Mulan flushes even redder, Ruby waggles her eyebrows. Crap, her escape through Mulan might be gone. Maybe she should have gone for a threesome with them.

She’s not staring at Regina while she and the other Queens pass their notes, she’s not. She’s just watching to see where the game will go and watching Regina happens to be a part of that. Regina passes a card to Maleficent who takes it and gives Regina single raised eyebrow once she’s read it, which Regina returns (That is unfairly sexy and she didn’t just think that, this is not the game to think these things fuck fuck fuck). They share a knowing smile and Emma prays they get their stupid threesome in this game (but not in real life which is _all that matters)_ so she can stop playing and get out of the way of this wrecking ball to her wall of denial.

(Cruella passes a card to Ursula but Emma can’t be bothered to care, not when Regina and Maleficent are having...something with their eyes. It’s eye sex, isn’t it? They totally had a thing in the Enchanted Forest, didn’t they? Emma feels something that feels suspiciously like envy toward Maleficent but she immediately squashes it down because that would mean there needs to be something to feel envious about and _there is nothing to feel envious about.)_

Maleficent passes a card right back to Regina and they’re going to do it - they’re going to have sex and Emma’ll be damned if she lets that happen. It’s the principle of the matter.

(Ursula passes a card to Cruella, of course, and Mulan gives up trying to play the game, choosing to shuffle her cards and pass one at random to Ruby)

It’s Emma’s turn again and she clearly didn’t think this through. She’s wondering if passing either of her threesome-suggestive cards to Regina will result in victory or death. She doesn’t know if there’s an option besides feigning life-threatening illness and bolting that will lead to anything other than eternal mortification and the inability to ever look Regina in the eye again. Everyone’s staring at her (actually, Regina is staring at her, which means she’s staring at Regina and this isn’t weird at all) and she needs to make a decision.

She gives Regina `That jerk isn’t into threesomes...Let’s just fuck each other` and a look she hopes says _please don’t kill me for this you’re our son’s other mother and while you’re very attractive and I definitely mean this in a purely aesthetic appreciation I don’t actually want to bang you well I do but you don’t need to know that_ but that’s a little long so she’ll settle for _please don’t kill me_. Regina receives her card coolly and Emma doesn’t know what to make of this game.

She’s going to kill Ruby though, who slams her cards on the table, yelling “My body is ready!” dramatically.

Emma takes this moment to bury her face in her hands. Does she point at Regina? Will this be an awkward rejection that leaves everyone knowing her massive crush on Regina? Does she pick Mulan and hope that everyone (Regina) understands that Mulan is a neutral figure in this game and she just wants to leave? She’s not picking any of the other Queens, that’s for sure.

It’s just a game, she reminds herself, about sex for points, it doesn’t mean anything. She can point at Regina and it won’t mean anything. She’s going to do it, she’ll point at Regi-wait. She needs to stop the threesome. Emma settles on giving the middle finger to Regina, which is also cathartic. Maybe she’ll give Ruby the middle finger next round, just to get her opinions on this game out in the open.

As it turns out, the Queens of Darkness have utterly screwed up their threesome, which means Emma’s given Regina the middle finger for no reason (still worth). Regina’s pointing at Maleficent and Ursula, while Maleficent is pointing at Regina and Cruella. Cruella and Ursula are pointing at each other. Ruby’s pointing at Mulan, but Mulan’s settled for the hand-binoculars on Cruella and Ursula because she’s not stupid like the other people at this table apparently are.

“You gave me the porn card, Mulan!” Ruby cries in mock hurt, “I trusted you!”

Mulan refuses to answer, just sits and waits for her next hand.

“Really, Mal? Cruella? She’s far too drunk to have understood anything we were saying.” Regina snipes.

“Really, Regina? Ursula?” Maleficent parodies, “Have you see where those tentacles have been?”

_Goddamnit._

Regina shrugs, “Well then ladies, I suppose we’d better succeed this round. I’m sure it’ll end in round 3 and then we’ll have lost this insipid game to Mulan.”

She’s looking at Emma pointedly when she says this and fuck, she’s right. There needs to be a threesome this round otherwise Cruella and Ursula will just keep pointing at each other and win in round 3 and Mulan will win by proxy.

Okay, but also, she’s looking at Emma pointedly and does this mean what Emma thinks it means? Is this still a game? Is there subtext? Is the subtext just text now? Where has all the good gone in this world that she’s in this situation?

* * *

**round two (operation all the threesomes)**

Regina looks at her cards:

  * `Pass your next card to whoever we should fuck`
  * `Wanna fuck? If so, pass a card to your right. :P`
  * `I’m undressing you with my eyes`
  * `You’ll do`



She glances up at Mal who shrugs and then gestures to their left, which Regina’ll interpret as ‘take your pick of a third’ because while this is a ridiculous game, Regina doesn’t lose (she’s ignoring some _incidents)._

Right, now all she has to do is convince Emma to have a threesome with her and Mal. It can’t be that hard - Emma’s not subtle and she’s been staring at her all night (Regina knows this blouse works on her, works for Emma - not that Emma’s opinion of her wardrobe has any influence but she’s always taken advantage of all assets available to her and this is no different. It’s not).

Ruby still has the chlamydia card, so she starts the round off by sliding a card to Regina: `I know you’re planning a threesome`. She rolls her eyes - of course she’s planning a threesome. How else is she going to win? Ruby grins at her and then sticks out her tongue.

Actually, now that she thinks about it, it might be easier to get into a threesome with Ruby and Mal than to get Emma to see over her increasingly desperate and poor attempts to stay in denial of her attraction to her. She gives Ruby a slight nod and then looks at Emma, who looks like she’s going to punch Ruby in the face (envy? or just generalized anger at this game? Regina can relate to the latter).

Cruella and Ursula will pass cards to each other under the pretense they still care (as if they ever cared - Cruella’s stolen the second bottle, Ursula the third) and Mulan will keep randomly giving cards to Ruby so she ignores them. Mal’s already agreed to the threesome and Ruby seems to have made a pass that Regina’s reciprocated. She motions toward Ruby for Mal’s benefit and Mal nods.

Well, if her victory’s assured, there’s no reason why she can’t have some fun. She passes `I’m undressing you with my eyes` to Emma and is rewarded with Emma immediately averting her eyes and blushing right to the tips of her ears.

Mal slides over a card with two stick figures in a compromising position on it and she can’t help a (delicate) snort. She’ll pass it to Emma when her turn comes around.

Emma gives her `I wanna have a threesome`, eyes and jaw set with grim determination. Regina returns the gesture with a coy look and eyes Ruby instead and Emma _seethes_.

Emma passes a card to Ruby and Regina watches as she waits for Ruby to read it, look up, and then sees Emma flick her eyes toward Mulan. Ruby grins at her like she’d grinned at Regina and is Emma trying to plan a threesome with Ruby and Mulan? Preposterous - Mulan’d never go for it but she watches Ruby nudge Mulan and Mulan looks up, looks at Ruby and Emma, and just sighs. Ruby takes this as a victory and so Emma smiles too and she’s not going to let Emma win this game.

Ruby gives Mulan a card but Regina couldn’t care less. When it’s her turn again, she gives Ruby `Wanna fuck? If so, pass a card to your right. :P` and lets their hands brush and hers linger for a moment longer than appropriate. Ruby’s breath hitches and Regina smiles brightly - seduction is a game she’s long since mastered (even if the battlefield is this table littered with crude pick-up lines).

Mal passes her a card that reads only `Sup`. She doesn’t think Mal knows what ‘Sup’ means and judging from her face, suspects that Mal’s just waiting for someone to end this game (Regina refuses to end the round. She has some class.).

Emma shoves `That jerk isn't into threesomes…Let's just fuck each other` at her with a little more force than necessary. Regina levels a judging look at Emma because honestly, she’s like a petulant child sometimes. An admittedly attractive one, yes, but a child nonetheless. Focus, she chastises herself, she’s here to win this game and Emma’s not making it easier for her.

Ruby gives a card to Mal and Mal doesn’t even bother looking at it (it’s probably the chlamydia card).

The game continues and Regina stops paying attention to anyone except Emma because flustering Emma has become a surprisingly amusing game. She gives her the cards that Mal throws her way - `I want you inside me` one round and the compromising stick figures the next. Emma’s eyes darken and she feels smug.

Emma starts fighting back though, giving the cards Regina gives her to Ruby instead and tries to do the eyebrow flirting (Emma is terrible at this but Ruby laughs so it might be working? Why is it working? It shouldn’t be working). Emma should be eyebrow flirting with her and making her laugh because -

Regina’s not going to think about it. Just fume about the situation because she’s going to lose if Ruby doesn’t keep with their implicit accord. That’s all. She just doesn’t want to lose. This has nothing to do with Emma. Definitely nothing to do with Emma naked. Damn - that one’s going to stay with her.

Mulan finally slams her cards on the table, “I refuse to watch this go on any longer. I also refuse to say that phrase. So you’ll all do your pointing and we can all move on with our lives.”

Regina points at Mal and Ruby and waits for Mulan to call the reveal.

She can’t believe she’s lost. Mal’s pointing at Regina and Emma and Emma’s giving Ruby the middle finger. “Mal, how did you mess this up?”

Mal just shrugs, apathetic, “With the way you were staring at the good sheriff, I thought you’d changed your mind. To be honest, I’m surprised you didn’t just take her right now on the table. You always did have a bit of a voyeuristic streak.”

Ruby looks arrogantly pleased with herself and Mulan just stares ahead, face as neutral as physically possible.

Regina is going to kill Ruby. They’ll never find her body and they’ll never catch her because she’ll frame Emma.

With the way Emma’s face is reddening just like hers is, maybe Emma will help her kill Ruby.

* * *

**round three (operation no threesomes for anyone)**

Maleficent has the chlamydia card but no patience for another round so she just puts her cards on the table, “Seeing as we all know how this is going to end, I’ll stop it right now so that we can get to far better uses of our time.” She still passes a card to Ruby though.

To everyone’s surprise, Ruby passes a card to Ursula and Emma squints because what’s Ruby’s game? Ursula doesn’t do anything but Ruby nods (to herself?) anyway. Emma passes a card to Regina even though they’ve lost because this entire experience hasn’t been mortifying enough so what’s she got to lose now? Regina doesn’t bother doing anything, doesn’t even look at Emma’s card, because she’s too busy being upset over losing this stupid game that’s not text or subtext in any way, shape, or form.

Emma just closes her eyes and flips off Ruby. If she can’t win, at least she can do this with impunity.

When she opens her eyes again, she can’t quite believe what she’s seeing. She does the math and yes, by some weird series of events, Mulan’s won. Just Mulan. Not even Mulan, Ursula, and Cruella. Probably because Cruella isn’t even here anymore.

Cruella must have officially said fuck this game because she’s gone (by gone, Emma means probably and hopefully somewhere sleeping off her rampant drunkenness and oh my god please not her car, please don’t drive down Main Street, please don’t drive anywhere). 

Ursula’s pointing at Ruby and Ruby’s pointing at Ursula and Mulan’s doing a minimalist hand-binocular at Ursula. Which...would mean that Ursula and Mulan tie, but Emma remembers the card that Mal passed Ruby and when she reaches over to flip over Ruby’s cards, there it is. The Chlamydia card. Ursula can’t score. Mulan won.

They lost to Mulan, who played this game by _randomly handing cards to Ruby_.

Mulan looks like she wants to cry. She actually looks just as stoic as ever because Mulan probably doesn’t care at all, but Emma wants to cry at the absurdity of it all because how did they lose to Mulan?

They lost to _Mulan_. Emma refuses to get over this. There is nothing that will tear her razor-sharp focus away from the blasphemy that’s just occ-oh, Regina’s looking at her. Crap, did she read it? Look alive, Emma.

* * *

Emma had passed her a card when Mal ended the game and when she picks it up, finds that it’s actually two cards. She wants to tell Emma off for cheating but takes a look: `I'm only interested in you`, followed by `Wanna quit this stupid game and get outta here?`.

It’s...oddly sweet, very Emma. When she looks up, Emma’s sort of smiling at her but also kind of grimacing. Probably because Mulan won and Regina can understand the sentiment. Honestly, how did all of them lose to Mulan? This game is rigged, she’s sure of it.

“Well, I think that’s our cue to leave. We seem to have lost Cruella and if we don’t find her, we’ll find the car through a lamppost or something equally inconvenient. Ursula, shall we? This was...certainly something, Ruby. Please don’t invite us again.” Mal says, getting up.

She looks at Regina and asks almost knowingly, “Regina, are you coming?”

“No, no, you go on ahead. I have...some paperwork that requires my attention and Henry wants to go out tomorrow so it needs to be done tonight.”

She doesn’t think Emma’s smile can get any larger.

Ursula is too drunk to notice anything, but Mal notices and says nothing, only ushers Ursula out. Ruby gets the hint and pulls Mulan (still doing her best to keep that neutral face) into the kitchen to help with something or another, leaving only Emma and Regina in the diner.

“So…” Emma starts then stops because Emma never plans ahead that far, stacking up the cards to give her hands something to do.

“Eloquent as ever, Ms. Swan.” Regina responds.

“Wanna get outta here?” she paraphrases instead.

“I suppose so,” Regina says, pretending to think, “I do have some paperwork to get to - the sheriff turned in a damage report about the department car.”

Emma’s face falls, “Oh. Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

Regina smiles, “Perhaps before then. You missed a card.” and slides the one she was holding into Emma’s hand before leaving.

Emma can’t follow her fast enough.

`Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm bad at poetry, let's have sex `

**Author's Note:**

> Super unpracticed at any of this. Hit me up with comments/critiques. I'm here and on [tumblr](http://boarsnsmores.tumblr.com/).


End file.
